“The only thing I would like is to go out one day, without being recognized, and go to a pizzeria for a pizza!” – Pope Francis told an interviewer the one downside to being Pope – as if they don’t have Domino’s in Rome!
We’re gonna kick off this column with a story that could give hope to quite a few people around the world. Doctors in Cape Town have performed the first penis transplant. Questions abound. Who is donating their penis? Is there a box I’ll have to check off when I renew my license that says, “Penis Donor”? While researching those questions, we did learn that there is a great need for this procedure in South Africa, where men apparently lose their penises in staggering numbers due to late-life circumcision. In one of the greatest understatements of all time, the leading researcher said, “For a young man of 18 or 19 years, the loss of his penis can be deeply traumatic.” Really?! He added, “It’s a massive breakthrough. We’ve proved that it can be done – we can give someone an organ that is just as good as the one that he had.” Or, perhaps better!
The boys at Dolce & Gabbana sure stepped into it, didn’t they? It all started when Stefano Gabbana told Panorama magazine, “No chemical offsprings and rented uterus: life has a natural flow, there are things that should not be changed.” Domenico Dolce spoke out specifically against artificial insemination and surrogates, calling the result “synthetic children”. In fairness, the interview was in a Spanish language magazine, and I’m sure the men were speaking in Italian, and I’m translating it into English. But it should be noted that these comments are not much different than things the designers have been saying for over a decade.
Time for damage control. Signore Dolce said, “I respect all the world, all the culture. I believe in the traditional family. It is impossible to change my culture for something different.” Signore Gabbana said, “We love gay couple. We are gay. We love gay couple. We love gay adoption. We love everything. It’s just an expression of my private point of view.” Whatever the hell that means, it didn’t help. The editorial director of their online magazine quit, celebrities everywhere called for a boycott, and protestors have picketed the London D&G store with placards saying, “Homophobia is not fashionable!”
Andy Cohen announced on Watch What Happens Live that he was auctioning off his favorite suit (size 40R) and donating the proceeds to the Family Equality Council, which supports LGBT Families. “Even though I love this suit, it wouldn’t be fun for me to wear it again. But it will be so much fun for me to have you wear it, knowing we were able to support an amazing cause while also screwing Dolce & Gabbana out of at least one sale.” Bravo.
Exactly what prompted 33-year-old Republican Aaron Schock to leave the House of Representatives is still a mystery – but one that I expect will be solved soon. Meghan McCain says that Schock’s downfall was “ultimately flaming out”. Truer words were never spoken. Resigning must have been a last-minute decision. Just last week, he was accused of spending $5K on a replica of President Obama’s podium, which is known as “The Falcon”. This adds to the previous scandals about his Downton Abbey office, taking his “personal photographer” on official trips, to say nothing of lingering questions about his sexuality and his penchant for quoting Taylor Swift lyrics. Aaron’s dad, Dr. Schock, said, “Aaron wears stylish clothing and yet he’s not gay…and he’s not married and he’s not running around with women. Everyone’s throwing up their arms because they can’t figure out Aaron.” Oh, I think we can. Eclipsing the other issues are allegations of sketchy real estate deals with supporters. The FBI has launched an investigation and plans to bring him before a grand jury. Dr. Schock was prophetic when he summed it up this way: “Two years from now he’ll be successful, if he’s not in jail.”
In some sad news, Liza Minnelli is back in rehab. Her representative said, “Liza has valiantly battled substance abuse over the years and whenever she has needed to seek treatment, she has done so. She is currently making excellent progress at an undisclosed facility.” On the positive side, she’s been in rehab so many times, her next stay is free!
Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Patrick in Rhode Island: “Have they figured out who that nude guy climbing down from a window at Buckingham Palace was? He has a great a–. Maybe it was Prince Harry. Or maybe it was some guy visiting Prince Harry!”
You can hope all you want, but alas, the nude guy wasn’t intruding on Harry – or any other member of the royal family. It turns out to have just been a hoax – cleverly produced by the folks behind E!’s series, “The Royals”. A faux tabloid program shows the entire footage, where actress Alexandra Park (playing the role of Princess Eleanor) is seen throwing her beau out the window. Happily for us, he got started before his clothes did. And what a perky little bottom he has, as you can see on BillyMasters.com.
When Aaron Schock is in any way connected with Falcon, it’s time to end yet another column. I enjoyed this column. Filled with all sorts of royals – lots of dames and queens – to say nothing of bare bottoms. And that just scratches the surface of what you’ll find on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that never leaves you hanging. If you’ve got something you want me to look into, dash off a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Chaz Bono books a flight to South Africa! Until next time, remember one man’s filth is another man’s bible.