A friend “came out” to me but I’m so repulsed by his secret I don’t know if I can remain friends with him. He’s not gay; he’s sexually obsessed with amputees.
And it’s worse than you think, Woody. He constantly cruises websites showing amputees in bathing suits. He doesn’t just obsess about having sex with them; he wants to become one. He wants to sever his right leg at mid-thigh!
Wait, there’s more. When I came out to him he was the only one of my straight friends who didn’t abandon me. He didn’t get sick, call me weird or try to push me off on a shrink, and so now he’s asking why I’m doing that to him.
So, Woody, am I being a hypocrite? When I came out of the closet he embraced me. When he came out I rejected him. Who’s right? What should I do?
— Don’t know what to feel
It’s questions like these that make me think “Why can’t I get normal questions like Dan Savage?”
First of all, let’s get something straight. Disclosing a fetish is not the same thing as disclosing an orientation. Last time I looked, Kinsey’s spectrum of sexuality wasn’t “Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Ampusexual.”
It’s preposterous to suggest that severing body parts in order to fulfill a sexual fantasy is equivalent to a man wanting a deep emotional and sexual connection to another man.
So tell your amp freak he’s full of s–t. The only similarities between your disclosures are that they’re both socially unacceptable and run the risk of alienating friends and family.
We are not attracted to other men because they’re gay. We’re attracted to them because they’re men. Your freak friend isn’t attracted to women; he’s attracted to their disability. That’s different. And may I add, *grotesquely* different.
Another difference is that gay men are attracted to each other. Most amputees *loathe* “amp-lovers.” Put a bunch of gay men on either side of a room, ring the starting bell and see what happens: we’ll meet in the middle, mingle, cruise, swap recipes, phone numbers and maybe even hook up.
Put amp-lovers on one side of the room and amputees on the other and see what happens when the bell rings. The amputees would stampede out of the room as fast as possible. Most would probably saw their remaining limb off to get away. Most amputees are horrified, do you hear me, HORRIFIED at amp lovers.
Compare that to gay men. We’re only horrified when guys wear white before Memorial Day.
There’s nothing you can do to prevent your friend from severing a limb. Fortunately, there aren’t too many doctors willing to surgically remove a body part to satisfy a fetish.
Maybe he’ll settle for what other “amp devotees” do: Pretend. It’s not unusual to see them act like actual amputees. They walk on crutches, roll around in wheelchairs, or tuck an arm in their shirts.
Or he could, like some freak-leak amp-lovers, attend disability conventions and chase amputees with flashing cameras like paparazzi at the Oscars.
It’s a tragedy that people born with major disabilities or people who go through the trauma of losing limbs have to deal with a–holes like your friend. It isn’t enough to deal with phantom pain, body image issues, society’s attitudes, and the emotional nightmare of the healing process. Now they have to deal with being lusted after, not for who they are, but for the body parts they don’t have.
Here’s your role in this mess: As disgusting as your friend’s fetish is, his obsession doesn’t define him anymore that your orientation defines you. It’s a part of him and you have to find it in your heart to accept him warts and all. A true friend would help him get help and remain friends even if he didn’t.
Check out Woody’s new book: How To Top Like A Stud: A Penetrating Guide to Gay Sex. LINK: http://grabhim.net/how-to-top-like-a-stud/