filth – disgustingly offensive dirt, garbage, anything viewed as grossly indecent or obscene.
That’s how Mr. Webster defines “filth”, and who would argue with him? With that definition and those words, this column was launched 20 years ago. Back then, it was called “Filth” and it was supposed to be a temporary gig. But here I am, two decades later, wondering what I did right…or wrong! When I look at the very first story I tackled, it gives a very clear view of things to come. I researched the rumor that David Geffen had married Keanu Reeves – and whatever happened to his career? Anyhoo, I squelched that rumor with what would become my customary wit: “Do you think the man who guided Cher’s singing career can’t spot talent? Well, do you?”
When I started this column, it was a different world, kiddies. There was no “Will & Grace”. Ellen had a sitcom. Rosie wasn’t out. Elton was bisexual. Chastity had a vagina. Admittedly, nobody wanted to see it. And that’s the point – people didn’t talk about gay things. I’d like to think I helped make a change. The Internet was in its infancy, and many people who weren’t in big cities didn’t know any gay people – well, they didn’t think they knew any gay people. I can’t tell you how many e-mails came in from folks who were just coming out and wanted to connect with anyone who was gay. For better or worse, I was it – and I was there. And I’m still there. So there.
You fans are insatiable. Our server for BillyMasters.com was flagged as possibly being attacked by a virus. The hosts were concerned because traffic to our website was roughly five times higher than usual. Of course, I knew the reason: feature a ginormous celebrity penis in a state of semi-arousal, and my fans come out of the woodwork. The penis in question belongs to Tom Berklund, who makes quite an impact in the LA revival of “Bent” at the Mark Taper Forum. Check him out on BillyMasters.com.
You’d think, after all these years, I would have tackled every conceivable topic. And yet, I don’t believe I’ve ever written a story about somebody being “fingered”. Dare I say, we’re going to rectify that right now. This story comes from singer Morrissey. Last week, he told Larry King that he was fingered by the TSA. I’m shocked – and somewhat hurt. I travel more than anyone I know. And nobody has ever come close to my anus – well, not until we’ve left the ground and I’ve slid the word Ocupado into place. Morrissey says, “I had been through the full scanner and the second bit, but then he went straight for my private bits and then put his finger down my rear cleavage.”
Twenty years ago, I met Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick during an intermission of “Death Defying Acts” off-Broadway. Matthew was quiet and reserved. SJP was bouncing from person to person. The duo’s joint show in Provincetown mirrored that dynamic. Since both are friends of host Seth Rudetsky, they were in good hands. They each sang ditties, told some stories, and even joined forces for a song from the only show they did together – and since I was the only one who yelled out “How to Succeed in Business”, I guess I was the only one who knew that bit of trivia. I found one thing peculiar. How does one do an evening with Matthew Broderick in Provincetown and not utter the words “Torch Song Trilogy”? Maybe they discussed it in the early show.
There was even a bit of dish. While discussing “Sex and the City”, Seth asked Sarah about her favorite storyline. Curiously, Parker chose the last few episodes of the series where Carrie moved to Paris with Mikhail Baryshnikov. So, in other words, from what I always considered an ensemble show, SJP’s favorite memory was the one that didn’t involve the other three ladies. Interesting. When asked about the possibility of a third movie, Parker was coy, saying that they do have a story to tell and that sometime in the future, when the time is right, and if everyone wants to do it, it will happen. To that, her friend John yelled up from the audience, “You already confirmed it to me on your steps a month ago”. Parker took this in stride, saying nothing was definite, adding, “That was a private conversation between you and me, John”. So, who do you believe? Sarah or John?
Earlier in the summer, Margaret Cho was performing in Provincetown. She revealed that she will be joining E!’s “Fashion Police” as an occasional guest host. But here’s something you won’t hear from anyone else. After Joan Rivers died, the frontrunner to replace her was Cho! What happened? Kathy Griffin campaigned for the job and made it clear that she was Rivers’ anointed successor – and one cannot underestimate Griffin’s popularity. I’m told that after Kathy left “Fashion Police”, Cho was the first person the network called.
One of my sources just confirmed that the nude photo I have of Jussie Smollett is legit. In the words of my mouthpiece, “I couldn’t sit down for a week.” I’m surprised he didn’t have lockjaw! You can check out Smollett’s double digits at BillyMasters.com.
When Morrissey is getting more action than me, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Because celebrity nudes have been a big part of our success, we’re going to play a little game with you – Name That Penis. If you can correctly identify 20 celebrity penii featured over the past two decades, you’ll win a prize. So get yourself over to www.BillyMasters.com, the site that’s barely legal. If you need a bit of personal attention, send an e-mail to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Geffen pays Keanu 20 years back alimony. Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.