Hey woody!

I’ve been hooking up with this guy and having awesome sex.  We both have boyfriends but play on the side. The thing is, he doesn’t want to use condoms because it tends to make him lose his erections. Plus, he says I’d feel him much better without it. My  f-buddy says he’s negative and I know I am too. Should I ditch the condoms or insist on them? I’m afraid if I keep insisting he’s just going to find somebody else.

Obsessed

Dear Obsessed:

You selfish pr!ck.  Not once in your letter did you mention the consequences for your boyfriend. I’m going to ASSUME you’ve both agreed to an open relationship, otherwise I’d have to reach into the screen and slap you into the middle of the next administration. Should you ditch the condoms?  No. Wait, is there an echo? I said NOOOOOO. Did I mention NO? Cuz, actually, I meant NO.

You know what? Scratch that. I’ve got a better idea: Ask your boyfriend. And put it exactly like this:  “Honey, would you mind if I let a guy who might or might not have HIV screw me without a condom?”

Hey woody!

How dangerous is swallowing? I heard the digestive acids in your stomach kill almost everything so that swallowing is only dangerous if there is an open sore in the mouth. Please tell me that’s the case because I’m really into semen and I really don’t want to stop.

— Kneehugger

Dear Kneehugger:

I know what you mean. I have a friend who loves to get “d!ck drunk.” One night he had so many he got pulled over by the cops (he wasn’t weaving, but he was going up and down a lot). Well, they gave him a Breathalyzer test and wouldn’t you know it, his Semen Alcohol Level was way past the legal limit. He ended up in jail, where as you know, oral sex is out of the question.

Seriously, it’s hard to get consensus from AIDS researchers on anything, but oral sex is one of them: It rarely, if ever, spreads HIV. If you’re receiving oral sex from someone else you’re only being exposed to saliva. The concentrations of the virus in saliva are so low that nobody has ever been infected from it. Keep in mind, though, that you can get other sexually transmitted diseases through oral sex.

If you are giving someone oral sex, however, there is a risk of infection, since pre-cum and semen can get into your mouth. How much risk? It depends. If you have a healthy mouth—no gum disease, cuts, scratches, blisters, or abrasions the risk is almost nonexistent. Emphasis on almost.

Given the research, I think you have a better chance of being hit by an IED at an Iowa state fair than getting HIV through oral sex. AS LONG AS YOU DON’T HAVE ANY GUM DISEASE OR CUTS THAT ACT AS A TRANSMISSION ROUTE.

One thing, though, Our Lady of the Kneepads. Making sure you’re cut-free is trickier than you think. Brushing or flossing your teeth, for example, can create micro-tears or abrasions that are hard to see. So, check yourself (and your partner) carefully and don’t brush or floss your teeth for at least a few hours before you go bobbing for apples. With those precautions I think you can get, as the boys in the Treasure Island so aptly named their latest video series, Drunk On C@m.