I’m a woman who’s read your book three times, working on the fourth. I love your style and your common sense attitudes toward health and insight into male minds. I’m writing because I am married to a man who I believe is gay. We’ve never had sex – not before or after the wedding. Not even on the honeymoon night. From comments he’s made and where his eyes wander, I believe he is attracted to men, not women. He makes constant references to cute men, tight asses, love the way males look and feel and so forth. I should have known – all the signs were there – but I liked him so much as a person and I was terribly lonely.
I believe he only married me because was trying to deny his Southern Baptist upbringing in the belief that homosexuality was a damnable sin. Being married made him “safe” and meant he didn’t have to face some facts about himself. I hate him for using me as his “beard”, but also I know I should have cut it off before saying “I do”.
Here is the problem: even though he refuses to have any physical contact, let alone sex (I’ve offered him everything from anal to oral to hand jobs; he turns me down flat and repelled) he won’t hear of any options. As best as I can tell he seems to expect me to live a life of faithful celibacy. He won’t even consider counseling to work things out. He’s very controlling. I don’t have a job anymore and I don’t have any friends I can go to. My family, also strong Southern Baptist by nature, refuse to countenance the idea of my leaving him for another life. I don’t have any money of my own and I don’t have a car. What can I do to get out of this awful situation?
– SAD AND BROKEN
Dear Liza Minelli
You married a guy that was gayer than Christmas at Bloomingdale’s and it’s just now occurring to you that it won’t work? Honey, those weren’t clues he was throwing at you, they were meteors. And now you’ve gotta crawl out of the holes they made. Or rather YOU made. Accepting responsibility is your first step. Don’t kid yourself – you aren’t a victim; you’re a volunteer. He may be an a**hole but you gave him all the tools to shape his a**holiness encouragement, compliance and an unwillingness to leave when you could have.
That ends the Simon Cowell portion of the column. Time for a little of Jennifer Lopez. Start by making a promise to yourself: “I’m going to leave him and find someone who loves me for who I am, someone who will pound me into the box springs so hard I’ll have to change the mattress every year or so”.
Ok that’s more Woody than JLo, but still… Here are some strategies. Strategy #1 Find someone you can talk to. A caring pastor, a priest a community counselor who won’t change you. Strategy #2 Google yourself to salvation. Put in something like “help for women” and you’ll find sites like womansdivorce.com and the womenalliance.org that can help you get clothing, transportation, financial advice and more. BTW, these sites offer great advice for gay men trapped in seemingly hopeless gay relationships. You ain’t the only fool out there, you know. Now, go and get yourself unfooled.