Have you raped a rainbow today?

No, that isn’t from a Skittles advertisement gone wrong. It’s just what LGBTQ people do. Take things away from good Christians and rape them out of spite…

At least that’s what Linda “human-frown-that-won’t-turn-upside-down” Harvey claims. She wants to take the rainbow away from the gays and give it back to God (the Christian God, obviously). And as we all know, June is an especially traumatic month for rainbows. And bigots, incidentally.

According to Harvey, God created the rainbow to “convey simple joy, innocence and purity of heart.”

“It’s clear God did not intend for the rainbow to represent rebellion, iniquity and division,” Harvey writes in an “exclusive” column for World Nut Daily. “So how did this precious symbol become the banner, with few objections, for human depravity, lust, defiance and heresy?”

I know that conservative Christians hate science, but I feel it’s important to point out here that the scientific explanation for how rainbows form is when sunlight and rain get together and decide to do gay stuff.

“The sweet rainbow image has been violated, raped by the deluded and fraudulent, and it now serves too often as a garish signpost for slavery to grave homosexual sin,” Harvey laments.

See? I told you she thinks LGBTQ people are rainbow rapers [SIC].

In reality, the rainbow flag was designed and adopted in 1978 by artist Gilbert Baker (who just died in March) at the request of Harvey Milk. The idea was a symbol to represent the LGBTQ community’s pride and diversity (not, as Harvey puts it, “grave homosexual sin”). The flag became especially popular after Milk was assassinated.

And now, the rainbow has become a mainstream symbol of LGBTQ pride, which angers folks like Harvey who think that LGBTQ people should live in shame and fear, hence the need for LGBTQ pride in the first place.

“Rainbow flags are flown in America from some government buildings, at some of our embassies, and these colors on several occasions even lit up our White House (under the former regime, thank God),” she writes.

Yes, thank God we now have a man in the White House who doesn’t stoop to the level of celebrating our country’s LGBTQ citizens and just brags about grabbing women’s p*ssies instead, as God intended.

So what should those offended by rainbows do?

“As Christians, we have [the] option [to sue],” she writes, “but believers in Jesus Christ don’t always go this route because we are more secure than that.”

Yes, believers in Jesus are so secure says the woman complaining that gay rainbows hurt her feelings.

Another option, she says, is to “trademark the rainbow,” which she acknowledges is “probably impossible.”

I have a better idea. If anti-LGBTQ Christians want to reclaim the rainbow so badly, they should tattoo a rainbow across their faces and include the words “God’s Property” in letters large and bold enough to be read from a distance.

If enough conservative Christians did this, LGBTQ people would surely abandon the rainbow in droves and have to adopt another symbol. May I suggest the smiley face?

D’Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer and comedian living in Michigan with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.